it's time to pay the piper
even Peter Pan had a shadow
Since becoming a full-time tax-paying member of civil society, every time the Earth completes another revolution around the sun, I’m confronted with an uncomfortable reckoning: I’ve got Peter Pan syndrome.
Maybe it’s the inundation of dopamine hits that I’ve become accustomed to that makes leisure and fun take priority over all else. Or perhaps it’s the way I was raised, always looking for orders instead of marching to the beat of my own drum. Some of the symptoms of my personal Peter Pan:
I’ve been avoiding leaving my comfort zone
I’ve been scrolling
I haven’t been journaling or reading
I pretend to be dumber than I am in certain situations because I don’t want to elicit an adult response from the person I’m engaging with
I haven’t been great at Doing Hard Things like cleaning or going to the gym as much as I say I will
come to think of it, I haven’t really even been sitting and thinking
(and to be 100% real, I haven’t scheduled any health-related appointments in years or gotten my driver’s license renewed…yes this is a red flag)
All play and no work makes Jack.……
My 20’s so far have been akin to the life of a Lost Boy’s- the desire to hold onto the past and stay a puella aeterna has led me to seek a Peter Pan, a Pied Piper, any charismatic leader to lead me on a journey and indoctrinate me with their splendid tunes and tales so that I might avoid personal responsibility.
“So we copy people. We’re helplessly drawn to them. We identify the ones who seem to know best how to get along and get ahead, we watch them, we listen to them, we open our selves to their influence, and then we’ll often internalize the things they’ve taught us. They have become absorbed into our model of the perfect self. They are now part of us.”
- Selfie, Will Storr
In the lore, the Pied Piper’s music only appealed to children, those of pliable mind- the adults, those who were already set in their respective identities, were immune to the sway and thus saved from a fate at the Piper’s hands- whether that be death by drowning or being led to utopia (there are conflicting endings to the story). I’d go as far as to say that the final destination is irrelevant to the moral of the story- it doesn’t matter if the Piper was malevolent or benevolent, it’s that agency can never be achieved when you look up at someone else to lead the way. But why does claiming that agency sometimes feel like jumping off a cliff alone in the dark?
“We care for the soul by acknowledging the place of eternal childhood, seeing its disadvantages to be virtuous and its inadequacies to be the conduits of soulful sensitivity.”
- Care of the Soul, Thomas Moore
Karl Jung’s shadow theory paints the shadow self as a detached entity housing the inner darkness or undesirable traits in all of us that should ultimately be confronted and incorporated to reach self-acceptance. Peter Pan’s shadow appears as a juvenile, mischievous spirit that seeks to reunite with him. In my case, my shadow is my Peter Pan syndrome- it’s that inner voice telling me that life would be better if I just listened and followed someone else’s lead, that I should shrink to fit into some pre-ordained mold instead of stretching and experiencing growing pains, that it doesn’t matter if I’m being guided by a malevolent or benevolent force, as long as I’m being guided. But shadows start to dissipate depending on how you shine the light on them.
“Wishes can be fluffy instruments of repression, turning attention to unrealistic and superficial possibilities as a defense against the void that is so painful.”
- Care of the Soul, Thomas Moore
It was beautiful this past weekend. I went to the gym, did some chores, meal-prepped, studied. I played tennis with a friend and walked around looking at all the flowers in bloom and got a shino-style plate to join my eclectic tableware collection. And I watched a lot of Invincible.
I’ve been living on my own for a while now but I can’t quite say I’m used to it yet. It’s two sides of the same coin- the solitude and anxiety that comes with taking charge of your own decisions is also incredibly freeing.
After all,
He who pays the piper calls the tune.
xx,
Grace